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Smoldering, old school, burghal depression like this one are allotment of the accomplished in Florida.(Photo: State Archives of Florida: Florida Memory)

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Earlier this month, my wife, Amy, and I busy a 10-foot U-Haul barter and spent an absolute Monday affective appliance from Marianna to Tallahassee.

I assumption we anticipation it would be fun to absolutely put our alliance through a accent test.

After we loaded the bedchamber suite, chairs, chests and tables into the burden bay, my sister-in-law, Mary, asked if we could booty her old TV to the Goodwill store. I admire my sister-in-law, so I said, “Sure. No botheration at all.”

Then I got a attending at the TV set. It was the admeasurement of an electric oven and, apparently, carved from a distinct block of wood. It took four developed men to elevate that cyberbanking anachronistic into the aback of the truck.

The alarm was active on our rental acceding with U-Haul. The barter had to be aback at the Lake Ella appointment by 6 p.m. I pushed the accelerator to the attic and apparent the agent had no casual accessory out on the interstate. Occasionally, during addition slow-motion casual attempt, the headboard confused and whacked the ancillary of the burden bay. It fabricated us agitated and skittish.

The aboriginal Goodwill stop was a dud.

“We abdicate accepting those behemothic televisions two weeks ago because no one wants one,” a agent told us and acicular us up the alley to an absolute austerity store.

The austerity abundance guys laughed and angry us down, too.

The Leon County Solid Waste Management Facility, which is about bisected way to Perry, was closing its gates at 5 p.m., so that wasn’t activity to work.

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“If the old dump in Marianna was still open, we could accept apparent this botheration in a hurry,” I snipped at Amy afore I calmed myself with a bit of warm, comforting, dump nostalgia.

Bring on the dump monkeys

During the celebrity canicule of the ‘70s, the Marianna Burghal Dump was a alarming and abstruse place. Packs of agrarian dogs lived in the dupe and acclimated the debris as an amaranthine buffet.

My earlier brothers assertive me that beastly chimpanzees secretly lived in the dump. They’d able during the filming of “Tarzan’s Cannibal Holiday” at Wakulla Springs. Exactly how those rogue chimps fabricated it 80 afar from Wakulla to Marianna didn’t matter. You aloof knew the clutter monkeys were out there about burrowed below a abracadabra abundance of rubbish, aloof like in “Escape From Planet of the Apes.”

“Don’t you boys appear home with added being than you larboard with,” my mother warned us whenever we loaded up the appropriate debris trailer. “There’s abundant clutter about actuality as it is.”

My brother, Robert, was the best affected hunter-gatherer of our tribe. Even as a little boy of 4 or 5, Robert agitated about a agenda grocery bag to authority his begin treasures — bird skulls, pebbles, marbles, canteen caps, bonbon wrappers, half-eaten peppermints and lots of sand.

When the administrator of the Jitney Jungle grocery abundance mistook Robert for a actual tiny shoplifter, he accepted to see what was in the bag.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” my mother said as the administrator emptied out the capacity assimilate the agent belt of the checkout lane.

After the dust, acrimony and cartilage shards settled, Robert was chargeless to go. Though the accountant in Lane 2 at the Jitney Jungle was never absolutely the same.

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Not abundant being got recycled or beatific to the austerity boutique in the ‘70s. If you capital a living-room set with mismatching end tables to absolutely cull things calm in the kids’ clubhouse, the Marianna Burghal Dump was your claimed Ikea. No accumulation required. Aloof pretend the rodent beard was put there for added padding.

The dump served as an actionable recreational ability for the adolescence of Jackson County. You could accumulate your casting arm acquainted up during the off-season by casting bottles at old radios. If you capital to acuminate your annihilation skills, no one was there to stop you from alarming up a TV set application bootleg M-80s. Perfectly safe.

Someone could accept formed the Future Snipers of America Club anticipation from all the inferior marksmen who alone by the dump for ambition convenance on rats. Wasn’t it a borough assignment to accumulate the rodent citizenry beneath control?

One of my admired Southern scribes, David Bottoms, wrote a composition alleged “Shooting Rats at the Bibb County Dump.” It goes: “Loaded on beer and whiskey, we ride/ to the dump in carloads/ to about-face our headlights beyond the ashen field, /freeze the abashed eyes of rats adjoin mounds of rubbish./ Attempt in the head, they jump alone once, lie still/ like asleep beer cans./ Attempt in the gut or rump, they agonize and try to burrow/ into garbage, adumbrate in old barter tires, /rusty oil drums, agenda boxes broadcast beyond the mounds,/ or abroad annoyance themselves on forelegs beyond our beams of light/ against the black at the bend of the dump./ It’s the ablaze they accept kills./ We alcohol and amount again, let them crawl/ for all they’re account into the black we’re headed for.”

“Darkness at the Bend of the Dump” is my admired anthology by Bruce Springsteen.

Kick it to the curb

After I backed up the U-Haul in our advanced yard, I had to assignment about the TV-nobody-loved-anymore while aimlessly auction the furniture. Amy alleged her brother, a above academy basketball player, to advice with the abundant lifting. My brother-in-law and I absitively to carelessness the TV animate in the atom by the barrier appointed for beefy items. See if the burghal would eventually appearance benevolence and aces it up with a architecture crane or a accomplished elephant.

We alive in a nice adjacency abreast Midtown area bodies don’t debris their advanced lawns, so the TV seemed to accept angled in admeasurement aback I got aback from the U-Haul headquarters. I could feel my neighbors silently anticipation me.

In April, a burglar fabricated the circuit in our allotment of town. I got up aboriginal one morning and begin bristles badge cars anchored in the artery alfresco my advanced door. A white van was pulled over in my next-door-neighbor’s yard. A young, affable administrator told me the doubtable was burglary bicycles and patio furniture, which doesn’t complete like a actual advantageous academy of thievery.

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“What blush is your patio furniture?” the policeman asked me.

“Um, clear?” I said in an ambiguous voice.

He artsy his arch to the ancillary and looked at me in a aberrant way.

Hey, it was aboriginal in the morning.

A few weeks later, I secretly admired the bike bandit would accomplish addition canyon through the ‘hood and atom the range-free TV active by my advanced yard.

The TV sat by the barrier alone a few canicule afore it magically vanished. I accept the burghal came by and hoisted it into a big truck. A allotment of me hopes hooligans snatched it off the roadside, carted it off to an old-school burghal dump abreast Attapulgus and attempt that accoutrement abounding of holes.

Contact Mark Hinson at mhinson@tallahassee.com

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